(Please note that while the language refers to the male as the abuser, and the female as the victim, these roles can be reversed, or be present in same-sex relationships.)
Why consider the religious or spiritual issues? Because these are fundamental not only to the believing victim and abuser as well as their Church, but also to all those who live in a culture which is largely based upon Christian moral values and traditions.
Religious people across all denominations are not exempt from Domestic Abuse, however, there appears to be a serious lack of understanding regarding abuse and the dynamics of abusive relationships and their impact upon the lives of people involved within churches and demoninations generally.
When considering Domestic Abuse we have to realise that religious or spiritual factors are central to the victim's understanding and response. His/her own faith and the support of Church members can be vital in helping the healing process, while a lack of understanding regarding the Biblical perspective on abusive relationships by the victim or those he/she turns to for spiritual guidance and support can add to the emotional, physical and financial hurdles already faced.
Many women in abusive relationships feel they ought to submit to their husbands out of duty, that they have no right over their own body, life or even opinions. Quite often this misconception is furthered by advice from clergy, elders, rabbis or other members of the Church or congregation. Some men may feel trapped by their beliefs in an abusive relationship, unsure of their position towards their wives or girl-friends. Some men may feel that unless they lord it over their partners, they are not doing as they ought to in the sight of God, that their position is one of Master, of Lord of the household. Often quotiations or excerpts from the Bible are used to justify abusive behaviour, or the suppression by one member of the household of another.
The Mission Statement by the organisation 'Christians for Biblical Equality', states clearly and with plenty of references back to the Bible, just what the position of both Men and Women is in relation to each other, in Church, in Society and in the Family, and makes an excellent starting-point for those confused about or interested in clarifying their positions within the context of their Church or creed.
Please check out the article under the following link:
Men, Women and Biblical Equality
Many victims of abuse turn to their church leader for advice on how to deal with the abuse, whether it is acceptable in the sight of the Lord to leave the abuser, is divorce an option which is acceptable to the Lord, can the Church help to stop the abuse, hold the abuser accountable, help to protect the victim and children? How then should the Elder, Priest, Rabbi or Priest respond? The following guidelines have been drawn up by the Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Abuse, and provide vital advice for spiritual leaders trying to help both the abused and the abuser:
Responding to Domestic Violence: Guidelines for Pastors and Rabbis
One of the main dilemnas facing both the victim of abuse and the Church leaders and/or members when dealing with the perpetrator of Domestic Violence, is the question of Forgiveness. Shuld we forgive the abuser unconditionally? How do we tell if repentance has taken place? Should the acts be forgiven and forgotten? For the victim, is it her/his duty to forgive each incident, act as though nothing had happened and continue to put herself/himself at risk from the abuser? The following article, excerpted from 'The Survivor Activist', deals mainly with the response toward child abusers. However, the principles detailed are applicable to all sexual or violent abuse.
Remember the Goals:
1. SAFETY for the woman and children
2. ACCOUNTABILITY for the abuser
3. RESTORATION of individuals and, IF POSSIBLE, relationships OR MOURNING the loss of the relationships
DOs and DONTs with a battered woman
DO believe her. Her description of the violence is only the tip of the iceberg.
DO reassure her that this is not her fault, she doesnt deserve this treatment, it is not Gods will for her.
DO give her referral information; primary resources are battered womens services or shelters and National Hotline. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) 1-800-787-3224 (TDD).
DO support and respect her choices. Even if she chooses initially to return to the abuser, it is her choice. She has the most information about how to survive.
DO encourage her to think about a safety plan: set aside some money; copies of important papers for her and children; a change of clothes hidden or in care of a friend if she decides to go to a shelter. Plan how to exit the house the next time the abuser is violent. Plan what to do about the children if they are at school; if they are asleep, etc. (This is both practical and helps her stay in touch with the reality of the abusers violence. Safety planning is a process that is ongoing.)
DO protect her confidentiality.
DO give information about her or her whereabouts to the abuser or to others who might pass information on to the abuser. Do not discuss with the parish council/session/elders who might inadvertently pass information on to the abuser.
DO help her with any religious concerns.
DO emphasize that the marriage covenant is broken by the violence from her partner.
DO assure her of Gods love and presence, of your commitment to walk with her through this valley of the shadow of death.
DO help her see that her partners violence has broken the marriage covenant and that God does not want her to remain in a situation where her life and the lives of her children are in danger. If she decides to separate and divorce,
DO support her and help her to mourn the loss to herself and her children.
DO pray with her. Ask God to give her the strength and courage she needs.
DONT minimize the danger to her. You can be a reality check. From what you have told me, I am very much concerned for your safety . . .
DONT tell her what to do. Give information and support.
DONT react with disbelief, disgust, or anger at what she tells you. But dont react passively either. Let her know that you are concerned and that what the abuser has done to her is wrong and not deserved by her.
DONT blame her for his violence. If she is blaming herself, try to reframe: I dont care if you did have supper late or forget to water the lawn, that is no reason for him to be violent with you. This is his problem.
DONT recommend couples counseling or approach her husband and ask for his side of the story. These actions will endanger her.
DONT recommend marriage enrichment, mediation, or a communications workshop. None of these will address the goals listed above.
DONT send her home with a prayer and directive to submit to her husband, bring him to church, or be a better Christian wife.
DONT encourage her to forgive him and take him back.
DO NOT encourage her dependence on you OR BECOME EMOTIONALLY OR SEXUALLY INVOLVED WITH HER.
DONT do nothing.
DO consult with colleagues in the wider community who may have expertise and be able to assist you in your response.
DOs and DONTs with an abusive partner
If he has been arrested, DO approach him and express your concern and support for him to be accountable and to deal with his violence.
DONT meet with him alone and in private. Meet in a public place or in the church with several other people around.
DONT approach him or let him know that you know about his violence unless a) you have the victims permission, b) she is aware that you plan to talk to him and c) you are certain that his partner is safely separated from him.
DO address any religious rationalizations he may offer or questions he may have.
DONT allow him to use religious excuses for his behavior.
DO name the violence as his problem, not hers. Tell him that only he can stop it; and you are willing to help.
DO refer to a program which specifically addresses abusers.
DO assess him for suicide or threats of homicide. DO warn the victim if he makes specific threats towards her.
DONT pursue couples counseling with him and his partner if you are aware that there is violence in the relationship.
DONT go to him to confirm the victims story.
DONT give him any information about his partner or her whereabouts.
DONT be taken in by his minimization, denial or lying about his violence.
DONT accept his blaming her or other rationalizations for his behavior.
DONT be taken in by his conversion experience. If it is genuine, it will be a tremendous resource as he proceeds with accountability. If it is phony, it is only another way to manipulate you and the system and maintain control of the process to avoid accountability.
DONT advocate for the abuser to avoid the legal consequences of his violence.
DONT provide a character witness for this purpose in any legal proceedings.
DONT forgive an abuser quickly and easily.
DONT confuse his remorse with true repentance.
DONT send him home with a prayer. Work with others in the community to hold him accountable.
DO pray with him. Ask God to help him stop his violence, repent and find a new way.
DO assure him of your support in this endeavor.
DO find ways to collaborate with community agencies and law enforcement to hold him accountable.
Source: The Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence, Seattle, WA 1998
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